You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
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but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
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Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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