you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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