I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
