I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
