It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
