I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
