Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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