I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My bed smells like the plague
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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