remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
