Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
