What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I wear drunk well.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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