I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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