Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
