girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
