3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
