i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
