I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
