My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
