actually, I'm a sock model
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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