I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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