I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
