chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
