I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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