dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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