someone get that fucking seahorse.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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