I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
