Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
