Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
