I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
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And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize