I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
When are your genitals available?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
