ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
