we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
