my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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