allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
