Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
