okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
