are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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