am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
