I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
