chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
