Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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