Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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