I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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