im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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