you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
