I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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