Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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