I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
