So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
