Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
