the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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