Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
