I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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