I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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