How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
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Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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