we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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