I wish my penis had an off switch
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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