that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
