One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
