I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
